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Real conversations at work feel rare. Lately, in my work with employees and leaders, I’ve noticed a troubling pattern: real conversations don’t happen. Instead, people get stuck in confrontation, cynicism, or silence. This pattern reminded me of a powerful chart I often use with executives to talk about this. It shows that real conversations—where tough topics are discussed productively—only happen when two things are present: high psychological safety and strong relationships. Too often, teams fall into one of these traps instead: (a) Cynicism (low safety, low relationships)—where skepticism and disengagement take over. (b) Omerta (low safety, high relationships)—where people stay silent to keep the peace. (c) Confrontation (high safety, low relationships)—where people speak up but without trust, so nothing moves forward. There are three practical steps to create real conversations that turn constructive discrepancies into progress: (1) Create a norm of curiosity. Ask, “What am I missing?” instead of assuming you’re right. Curiosity keeps disagreements productive instead of combative. (2) Balance candor with care. Being direct is valuable—but only when paired with genuine respect. People engage when they feel valued, not attacked. (3) Make it safe to challenge ideas. Model the behavior yourself: invite pushback, thank people for disagreeing, and reward those who surface hard truths. When safety is high, people contribute without fear. Where do you see teams getting stuck? What has helped you foster real conversations? #Leadership #PsychologicalSafety #Communication #Trust #Teamwork #Learning #Disagreement
Thank you Francesca Gino. One of the places I observe teams getting stuck is a lack of understanding about productive and healthy debate. Many people view all forms of conflict as negative and destructive, but to find creative solutions, we often need to explore our disagreements. To embrace productive debate, we need the elements of real conversation that you discuss here. We also need to recognize that healthy debate is a needed tool in our communication toolbox.
Francesca Gino This breakdown is helpful and informative. Sadly, if the leader is authoritarian (or laissez faire), and too many are, pointing out the truth or disagreeing is considered “confrontational.” Instead of leading to a one-to-one dialogue, the conflict leads to risk and retribution. This reinforces low safety and low relationship.
Sometimes confrontation is necessary. If communication has occurred more than twice and the same behavior(s) are happening, it’s being done by choice. The hard conversations are lessened by continuous communication. I had to let a teacher know that I was not renewing her contract. When she asked how I arrived at that decision, I told her. 1. Frequent walk-throughs indicated a level of anger towards the student. I communicated that to her on three separate occasions. 2. Her heart wasn’t in it. She admitted as much. 3. She had no love for her job and her attitude reflected it. She had no love for her students and it was clear. 4. She never attended any extracurricular activities. The hard conversation was basically me telling her that while she had definitive content knowledge, she lacked the connectivity with the kids. I suggested a job in a different field. She cried, cussed me and left. She resigned shortly after. I ran into her a couple of years later and she greeted me with the warmest hug imaginable. I was confused. She told her she was making bank working for a pharmaceutical company as a sales rep. Sometimes confrontation/hard conversations are needed. And yes, I did find someone who loved to teach kids.
Another observation: Sometimes the message and actions from leadership tell a different story. Leaders might communicate A, but be doing B, which doesn't lead to trust, and without the trust the real conversation won't happen. With this in mind, Francesca Gino, I would add that leaders need to be consistent in what they are communicating and doing to facilitate the trust required for real conversation.
Francesca Gino love the topic and thank you for opening up such an important conversation. I see this all the time, even on the business owners or C-suite level where people struggle to open up a discussion when it feels uncomfortable. I met a few people who even have to take pills to keep calmer and regulate emotions. We focus on giving people the right tools to become more confident in conflict or hard conversations because I agree that is what is needed. Being real and kind not just pretend or being nice. Great topic thanks love the steps 👌
I think the root cause is false invulnerability, leads to a lack of transparency, leads to inauthenticity, leads to a zero-trust transactional relationship, which doesn’t foment collaboration, and therefore doesn’t feel “real”. My $0.02.
Ex-Partner: OC&C, S&, Accenture, Prophet. Senior Advisor - Strategy, PE VCP - Pricing, Go-To-Market, Analytics
7moThis is great - thanks for posting. I’d extend this to my life in consulting, typical workshop approach to create ExCo/ Board alignments or Country/ Function/ Alignments. I always say conflict isn’t to be avoided - conflict is the way of having a useful real conversation that moves us on. But, part of my job as a facilitator is to create that 1. Strength of relationship, 2. Psychological safety. Greatly appreciate your point too right of your grid to balance candor with care/ being direct is valuable when paired with respect - and so you have a constructive conflict and resolve with a Real conversation.