Business Commando, Speaker, Humorist, Mammal [SteveAltes@gmail.com]
Greater Los Angeles Area
- Current
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- Business Commando at Spire Associates LLC
- Screenwriter at Self-employed
- Speaker at Self-employed
- Actor / Spokesperson at Various production companies
- Humorist at Self-employed
- Past
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- Contract Writer at LRN
- Contract Recruiter at Voce
- Curriculum Developer at Medtronic MiniMed
- Communications Consultant at Health Technology Center
- Founder at MondoStock.com
- Contract Technical Writer at Orbital Sciences Corporation
- Director, Corporate Development at Arc Second, Inc.
- Staff at Presidential Transition Team
- Director, Business Development at Aurora Flight Sciences Corporation
- Manager, Program Control at Orbital Sciences Corporation
- Policy Analyst at U.S. Congress
- Research Associate at Booz Allen Hamilton
- Deputy Project Manager at Group Velocity
- Education
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- Massachusetts Institute of Technology
- Massachusetts Institute of Technology
- Massachusetts Institute of Technology
- Recommended
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9 people have recommended Steve - Connections
-
500+
connections
- Industry
- Entertainment
- Websites
Steve Altes [SteveAltes@gmail.com]’s Summary
>>> FAQs <<<
WHO ARE YOU?
I am iconoclastic, autodidactic, apothegmatic, and pugilistic. But most of all, I am someone who wonders what those words mean. I also write allegedly funny books, essays, speeches, and screenplays. But don't take my word for it. Google me, hombre.
HOW FUNNY ARE YOU?
I am a lot funnier than "The Family Circus" cartoon, slightly funnier than a "talking" chimpanzee with a British accent, but not nearly as funny as Jon Stewart. So somewhere in that range.
WHY SHOULD I LINK WITH YOU?
My network is humungous and eclectic, although I can't say I know most of these people very well. Hell, 99% of them I wouldn't know if they punched me in the face. Still, you never know when you might need to network with a Swedish real estate agent, a British PR maven, or an IT exec from Bangalore.
HOW CAN I LINK WITH YOU?
I am a promiscuous Linker, open to random connections, so don't be shy... link to me:
SteveAltes@gmail.com
No link request goes unapproved. Guaranteed!
6,000 people can't be wrong!
I'm an active "pay it forward" sort of networker. 'Cause that's how I roll, baby.
WHO SHOULD HIRE YOU AS A SPEAKER?
Anyone who wants custom-tailored business-related humor for their conference and can't afford the $40,000 it takes to hire Scott Adams, the creator of "Dilbert."
HOW DO YOU SPELL "RUTABAGA?"
The normal way. R-u-t-a-b-a-g-a.
Steve Altes [SteveAltes@gmail.com]’s Specialties:
I am a dynamic and fascinating individual with myriad interests and proclivities, each more dynamic and fascinating than the last. Reduced to bullet points, I'm a:
• humorous keynote speaker
• corporate comedian
• member of Us Weekly's Fashion Police
• hand model
• screenwriter
• business commando
• rocket scientist
• National Medal of Technology winner
• mammal
• inter alia
And that's just a smattering of my multifacetedness! Wow! What a guy!
Steve Altes [SteveAltes@gmail.com]’s Experience
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Business Commando
Spire Associates LLC
(Marketing and Advertising industry)
September 2005 — Present (3 years 11 months)
Consultant at sales and marketing consulting firm which specializes in building, executing, and optimizing Customer Relationship Marketing (CRM) strategies for top-tier companies.
Responsiblities include rattling cages, catalyzing change, producing results, and cranking out delectable deliverables. -
Screenwriter
Self-employed
(Motion Pictures and Film industry)
March 2002 — Present (7 years 5 months)
Semi-autobiographical screenplay about M.I.T. fraternity life optioned by Dottie Dartland, the creator of the TV series "Dharma & Greg" and "Caroline in the City."
Script was set up at Warner Bros. with Heyday Films (yeah, I’d never heard of them either -- turns out they’re the producers of a certain multi billion-dollar movie franchise about a boy wizard).
So I've got that going for me. Which is nice. -
Speaker
Self-employed
(Entertainment industry)
June 1997 — Present (12 years 2 months)
• Humorous keynotes for corporations and associations
• Commencement speeches for colleges and universities
• Conference moderator, convention emcee, meeting facilitator
"Steve was hilarious. He deserves my highest recommendation!"
Bruce Honer, President, California College and University Loan Administrators Association
"Steve found a way to get us all laughing the entire hour."
Bobbi Jo Price, Vice President, Williams & Fudge
"Steve was very, very funny! Steve's comedy is relevant to today's high-tech office and Internet-speak. It is 'now' comedy."
Tom Gillis, First Energy Corporation
"Steve was great! He was inspiring, motivating, and funny! I laughed until I cried!
Doris Lynch, Director of Student Business Services, Chapman University
"You were, by far, the best speaker I've ever seen!"
Stephen R. Covey, Author, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People
(although to be fair, he was talking about Tony Robbins) -
Actor / Spokesperson
Various production companies
(Motion Pictures and Film industry)
March 1995 — Present (14 years 5 months)
Appeared in 500+ TV commercials, corporate videos, and print ads. Corporate spokesperson, on-camera narrator, TV newsmagazine host. Ear-prompter and tele-prompter pro. Some film and TV work. Speaking parts in "Girl, Interrupted" and "Hollow Man." Stunt driver in "Spy Game." Acted in training videos for the Central Intelligence Agency. Oooh... sneaky!
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Humorist
Self-employed
(Writing and Editing industry)
March 1995 — Present (14 years 5 months)
• Author of business humor books "The Little Book of Bad Business Advice" and "If You Jam the Copier, Bolt."
• Third book -- narrative non-fiction humor memoir, titled "Adventures of a Cubicle Escapee" coming soon.
• Essayist - sixty humor essays published in magazines and newspapers like the Washington Post and the Los Angeles Times.
• Commentator for National Public Radio's "All Things Considered."
• Joke writer for Us Weekly's Fashion Police section. If you knew how I dress, you'd appreciate the irony of this.
• Write humorous greeting cards for Pulp Couture.
• Columnist for humor monthly "Funny Times."
• Featured writer in HarperCollins humor anthology "May Contain Nuts: A Very Loose Canon of American Humor"
• Wedding officiant - write and perform custom-tailored humorous wedding ceremonies -
Contract Writer
LRN
(Privately Held; 51-200 employees; E-Learning industry)
September 2003 — September 2008 (5 years 1 month)
Write online e-learning modules for Fortune 1000 companies on topics like legal privilege, product liability, international competition law, disability law, sexual harassment, and business conduct and ethics.
Let's call this the "day job." -
Contract Recruiter
Voce
(Privately Held; Wireless industry)
October 2005 — January 2006 (4 months)
Contract recruiter for a start-up wireless phone company targeting affluent consumers with the highest quality service and personalized technical support. Full-cycle recruiting functions from sourcing, candidate development, interviews, all the way to salary offers.
They have since gone belly up. Maybe I hired the wrong people. -
Curriculum Developer
Medtronic MiniMed
(Public Company; MDT; Medical Devices industry)
January 2005 — April 2005 (4 months)
Co-developed a 40-hour customer service training program for insulin pump product support specialists. Curriculum used interactive discussions and practical exercises to demonstrate how to promote sales through good customer service techniques.
No-Doz sold separately. -
Communications Consultant
Health Technology Center
(Non-Profit; 11-50 employees; Hospital & Health Care industry)
January 2004 — February 2004 (2 months)
Prepared a "clear communications" style guide for in-house writers.
I'm sure their in-house writers *loved* being told how to write. -
Founder
MondoStock.com
(Financial Services industry)
January 1999 — September 1999 (9 months)
Created a stock-picking website during the dot com frenzy. Attracted 6,000 subscribers. Each company profiled triggered millions of dollars in stock transactions.
Folded website upon learning that I was in an um... legal gray area. -
Contract Technical Writer
Orbital Sciences Corporation
(Public Company; 1001-5000 employees; ORB; Aviation & Aerospace industry)
March 1995 — June 1998 (3 years 4 months)
Wrote User's Guide for the Pegasus air-launched space booster, post-launch reports, Interface Control Documents, launch license applications, Critical Design Review presentations, and new business proposals.
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Director, Corporate Development
Arc Second, Inc.
(Civil Engineering industry)
August 1993 — March 1995 (1 year 8 months)
Wrote successful business plan that attracted capital for now-thriving business. Helped establish sales and marketing departments to sell their laser-based, instantaneous 3-D position measurement systems.
Wrote my first book during lunch at this job. -
Staff
Presidential Transition Team
(Government Agency; Executive Office industry)
November 1992 — January 1993 (3 months)
Evaluated technology policy proposals for the incoming Clinton-Gore administration. And, for a short time, answered phones for President-Elect Clinton.
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Director, Business Development
Aurora Flight Sciences Corporation
(Aviation & Aerospace industry)
March 1992 — November 1992 (9 months)
Raised $1 million in venture capital to expand a business which builds and operates unmanned, high-altitude aircraft used for global warming research. Responsibilities included strategic planning, marketing, government relations, public relations, proposal writing, facility administration, and human resources.
See how ahead of the curve I was? I was all over global warming before it was in vogue. -
Manager, Program Control
Orbital Sciences Corporation
(Public Company; 1001-5000 employees; ORB; Aviation & Aerospace industry)
June 1988 — March 1992 (3 years 10 months)
Responsible for costs and schedule of the Pegasus air-launched space booster, the world's first privately-developed space launch vehicle. Wrote successful cost proposals totaling $500 million in new business.
I had to leave aerospace though. After your third rocket blows up... people start talking. Suddenly it might not just be the drinking. -
Policy Analyst
U.S. Congress
(Government Agency; 1001-5000 employees; Government Administration industry)
May 1987 — June 1988 (1 year 2 months)
Evaluated civilian and military space transportation options for the Congressional Office of Technology Assessment.
Wrote congressional reports that nobody read. -
Research Associate
Booz Allen Hamilton
(Privately Held; 10,001 or more employees; Management Consulting industry)
May 1985 — September 1985 (5 months)
Helped design the Space Station’s computer system -- an odd assignment considering I know very little about computers. If the Space Station ever turns into a sentient HAL-9000 killing machine, you’ll know who to blame.
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Deputy Project Manager
Group Velocity
(Mechanical or Industrial Engineering industry)
March 1982 — September 1983 (1 year 7 months)
Attempted to break the world land-speed record for a human-powered vehicle. While attending college, raised funds for and helped build a five-person, forty-foot long, high technology "bicycle." Vehicle placed third in world championships and was displayed in the Boston Museum of Science.
This was more fun than a barrel of lemurs.
Steve Altes [SteveAltes@gmail.com]’s Education
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Massachusetts Institute of Technology
MS , Technology and Public Policy , 1984 — 1986
Master's thesis, "The Aerospace Plane: Technological Feasibility and Policy Implications," was the only college thesis in history ever reviewed by The New York Review of Books.
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Massachusetts Institute of Technology
MS , Aerospace Engineering , 1984 — 1986
Rockwell International Graduate Fellow.
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Massachusetts Institute of Technology
BS , Aerospace Engineering , 1980 — 1984
Researched space station assembly techniques using scuba gear and full-size underwater Space Shuttle mock-up. Member of MIT Judicial Committee and crew team. Founded MIT chapter of Sigma Gamma Tau, the national aerospace engineering honor society. Minored in Russian.
- Activities and Societies:
- Sigma Phi Epsilon
Additional Information
Steve Altes [SteveAltes@gmail.com]’s Websites:
Steve Altes [SteveAltes@gmail.com]’s Interests:
my wife and son, people, ideas, networking, start-ups, entrepreneurialism, writing, reading, public speaking, movies, humor, travel, SCUBA-diving, trivia
Steve Altes [SteveAltes@gmail.com]’s Groups:
Screen Actors Guild (SAG)
American Federation of Television and Radio Artists (AFTRA)
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Creative COW (Communities of the World) -
Speakers and Panelists -
Aerospace Professionals -
ThoseinMedia -
Digital LA -
So. Cal Influence: Nerds, Rich People & Influencers -
Authors, Writers, Publishers, Editors, and other Professionals -
Stand-Up Comedians -
Global Keynote Speakers Association -
Humorous Speakers Bureau -
Professional Keynote Speakers - by Jorge Olson
Steve Altes [SteveAltes@gmail.com]’s Honors:
• Member of the undefeated, world championship-winning "Extreme Dodgeball" team, the Certified Public Assassins
• National Medal of Technology (the nation's highest award for engineering achievement)
• National Air and Space Museum Trophy for Current Achievement in Aerospace
• Best Thesis Award, MIT Technology and Policy Program
Steve Altes [SteveAltes@gmail.com]’s Contact Settings
Interested In:
- career opportunities
- consulting offers
- new ventures
- job inquiries
- expertise requests
- business deals
- reference requests
- getting back in touch
