Are arranged marriages more successful, and why or why not ?
Successful meaning less divorce, greater happiness etc
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Kevin H.
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In a society that greatly values personal freedom arranged marriages wouldn't work.
But there are an infinite number of ways to be happy, and if you believe that marrying a reasonable choice by an arranged marriage will make you happy, then great.
I am 44 and never been married. Let's suppose a marriage was consentually imposed on me decades. Would I have had less happiness in my life? Doubtful. Just a different path. I think that largely true of anyone who would consentually agree to an arranged marriage.
I think in America we have a lot of choices and so we want a spouse who loves "Kayaking, wine-tasting, old movies, and the Da Vinci Code." In some countries they just want a loving spouse.
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arrangedmarriage or love marriage nothing difference.you understand u r half both marriages like heaven.
Joyce M.
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Never had one!
Never knew anyone who did, either.
According to Wikipedia the divorce rate is 1.1% in India. But I don't believe that has anything to do with families choosing better mates then individuals. It's about the cultural attitudes toward marriage and family. A culture which accepts arranged marriages values the marriage (and all it entails) over the individual. That leads to much lower divorce rates.
Are the people happier? It depends on what you mean. A culture which values individualism is by definition more selfish. So expectations of the individual are higher and disappointment is greater when they aren't met. So I would say that a higher percentage of individuals are unhappy in self-selected marriages. But the flip side is that you might not ever find someone whom you truly love. I would guess that contentment is much more common then bliss.
Martin T.
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I would guess the diviorce rate to be lower in cultures that accept arranged marriages simply because if you are prepared to submit to such a process you'll also tend to go along with the process that goes with it - ie the marriage.
Can't see how it produces happiness except by fluke. But I suppose many find a degree of acceptance and contentment. I'd love to see polled responses independently from both parties in such arrangements.
It may be deeply cultural but it's an abomination to me as a believer in personal freedom.
Greg P.
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In a culture that has arranged marriages, there are less divorces simply because divorce is not an option.
Are the marriages successful? by your definition: less divorce, yes. Greater happiness is not necessarily the same as less divorce. But that does not mean the definition is accurate.
Ives D.
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I don't know if they are more or less successfull than love marriages. One of the important things is that both parties should have the same values in life and be empathic towards each others wishes. If that is the case, the marriage might work out fine. Marriages of people who differ too much are in a lot of cases quite difficult and often end up in divorce.
Ramesh K.
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We can not compare arranged marriages and self managed!
Indian culture of arranged marraiages has deep roots. The families study each other family trees and look into the history of families concerned.
They even do lot of 'background checks' through friends and relatives.
They check if the financial back grounds and even give 'dowry' to ensure that the newly married can take off their married life in comfort.
However, over ages the dowry system is exploited and many became victims. And slowly this dowry system is disappearing in well educated groups. ( but it will still be there for many more centuries... though it is legally abolished).
Boy meets girls and they get married happily ever after are happening in India too. The people in love don not see from all the angles. Even if we try to explain, they think that we are opposing them.
If the boy and girl like each iother, we dont oppose if there are no problems. However, if there are cross cultural marriages, we try to explain them the probable issues and it is left to them to decide.
But many Indians still prefer arranged marriages as we dont see a reason why we should not.
Ramesh
The Human Search Engine.
John B.
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The criteria by which you are measuring is flawed. If someone is involved in having the marriage arranged for them, why in the world would they have enough self-initiative to seek a divorce. If it's an arranged marriage, there is a lack of "ownership" and a limited internal locus of control.
Octavio B.
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Hi Steve,
In times of war where many couples were married in consensual arrangements, according to the conservatism of the whole society was a relevant and pertinent factor in creating families in times of crisis and uncertainty.
The morality and ethical values in most of the American families that were built and raised during the decade of the 50´s and 60´s, were strong enough to create an endurable relationship, where love might emerge sooner or later as an amalgam needed in creating a climate of stability and reciprocal trust in strenghtening the familiar core.
In the current society, where values and morality appears to having been vanished in part due to the emergence of a most free way of relationship between women and men, where social networks like Facebook, ubiquitous communications, and a scale of values and principles where egalitarianism between genders and the acceptance of diversity are generating a wider range of possibilities even for the introverted ones, to enjoy form successful relationships and engage in happy marriages.
In a nutshell, people is not happier due to the fact of being married. Happiness is a sort of valuable alchemy where love, the art of sharing mutual concerns, mutual respect and trust, and the fluid communication are keystone for the sustained success and the happiness of any affective relationship when you consider a long-term perspective.
I hope this helps you.
Octavio
Heather V.
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Why do I feel like I'm getting myself in deep on this one? Not sure. However, I have known several couples whose marriages were arranged and have read a great deal on this. Actually, in many cultures and even in Western culture, marriages are approved and managed by the families in one way or another. For one, anyone who claims that you only marry the person and not their family, is probably not really in touch with reality. Even someone who no longer lives with their family brings their own experience to the couple.
Sometimes I feel that when discussing marriage, it's almost as if you could say, 'there's America and then there is the rest of the world' but this would be a broad generalization. Yet, throughout my travels and the many people I've known, I've rarely seen such differences as between my country of origin and other places. It's hard to describe but, I think it's not unusual to see extremely elaborate rituals and publications and customs in the States, yet, with all those preparations and dreams and castles in the air, the divorce rate is incredibly high. I always thought it was because of such high expectations on marriages and weddings in particular. But in countries with elaborate wedding rituals like India and my own knowledge is Bengali in particular, the divorce rate seems to be very low considering.
But look at the dating world in the West now! The online dating world has exploded into a world of computer matching that boggles the mind. You can try to find a match who enjoys the exact same films and outings and comes from the same religion and who answers the same questions in a way in which you agree! I keep thinking that it's similar to the vetting procedure used in an Indian marriage or even some Western countries where the families look at the family tree before accepting the fiance or fiancee.
We may be looking at the modern version of arranged marriage in that instead of family, we're seeing people allow outside sources, programmed by a computer, decide on their mate for them. Will this make them happier? I don't really know, but I can say that I know plenty of folks who've met online and they seem to be just as strong a couples as anyone else.
Somewhere inside me I still think that most marriages are contracted because couples met for what I call DNA reasons as the other person looked like a good match to them, whether they admitted wanting children or not. A few scientific studies have been done on this aspect of attraction but I wonder if they're happy at a higher rate or not?
Mary L.
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All I can say, Steve, is that mine was not arranged.
First marriage for each of us.
Going on 27 years - going strong.
John V.
Project Leader at West Kent YMCA
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It would be so easy to say that most marriages are arranged Steve.
Most young men I know (and it was certainly the case for me) had no ambition to get married when they did... but it was arranged in one way or another by their partner.
But I'm sure that this wasn't the intention of the question.
As with most things in life the attitudes of the individuals tends to affect the outcomes, and if a couple get married with the intention of making it work, I'm sure the odds will improve significantly of it lasting.
That said, if a couple are forced to marry for whatever reason (arranged or not) and if one of the party doesn't want it to happen, then the chances of the marriage lasting I'm sure are about the same as that of a lasting relationship between a chicken and a hungry fox.
The culture of allowing or accepting a divorce may also mean that technically in the legal sense the marriage lasts but the reality is that it's just a marriage in name only (and how many marriages are in name only?)
Interesting question with so many variables and one where we certainly need to be aware that our own experiences will limit the conclusions we come up with.
James A.
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In cultures where arranged marriages is not traditionally done, aranging is there, but unrecognized. For example, propinquity, a word that referes to being in the vicinity of something or someone, is the by far, the strongest variable which precedes a marriage.
Many women and often some men purposely place themselves propinquitiously to a class or type of individual, whose views, income, career, and values are more likely to suit them, thus increasing the probablity that they will connect with someone from a desirable pool of candidates (or victims). A college campus is just such a hunting ground. The last data I looked at, indicated that marriages between college alum lasted longer and were happier than the background divorce rate. The latest version of "arranged" coupling are the "prescreened" internet matching services. I have no idea if these are more sucessful than the general background rate. I do know that the there is a poorer result in the unscreened "personals" internet sites. These also have a high danger rate.
The most stable and happiest marriages in the U.S. are those where couples were raised next door to one another; those who met in psychiatric wards; those who share the same values about money, child rearing, and extended famlies; those who know as much about each other's personal background as the other; and, although, I have not seen this data; those who pray together.
My guess is that arragned marriages are more stable and happiest when the marriage matchmaker has better insight about those factors mentioned above in the people to be joined, than the the couple themselves, is self-aware.
The basic concept for a happy and successful married life is the good understanding between the couples. Not only that if both of them have GIVE AND TAKE POLICY, then life will be smooth.
Neetubala R.
Global HR Business Partner at BMC Software
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Hi Steve,
As believed, God created Eve from Adam's rib because Adam was lonely. And while God presented Eve to Adam she was quite presentable, and no traces of the effects of the operation were visible. Thus the reasons are obvious why there are some basic differences in the behavior/thought process/personalities of men and women, maybe at workplace or in private lives. Women though not physically strong but are emotionally very strong whereas it is not the same for men. Women complain about problems because they want their problems to be acknowledged, while men complain about problems because they are asking for solutions. Women are naturally expressive whereas to Men it is a difficult process, hence focus more on solutions. Women are supposed to be jealous but men have an ego problem probably. So there are basic differences that we all know of.
Having said that I believe it is difficult to predict ideal sort of marriage. As such the basic difference in the nature/behavior of men and women wouldn’t change and vary depending on whether it is love marriage or arranged marriage. In love marriages they get an opportunity to explore each other’s personality and if their frequency/wavelength matches but then someone very well said that “love is blind” and when in love, I opine that gravitational force too is unable to keep the lovers grounded , hence wrong estimations are made eventually leading to fiasco. Whereas in arranged marriages although the couple might not get opportunities to discover each other but over a period of time if they discover that they are contrast personalities disagreeing on each and every decision they need to make in life, it results into constant arguments and hence failures.
Now talking in favor of both sort of marriages, then I would say that in love marriages couple knows that they cannot live without each other hence stick to each other as emotional bonding is too intense whereas in arranged marriages the couple probably accept each other thinking that it is a family decision that they agreed upon and respected so why not accept the shortcomings of the partner and work towards living a happy married life.
So no successful marriage as such is successful without compromises and both men and women need to work towards making it a success. We tend to forget that a successful marriage depends on two things : (1) finding the right person and( 2) being the right person. Probably men and women tend to take each other for granted and forget the (2) basic rule for a successful marriage after having explored each other leaving no space for curiosity for each other to make conscious efforts to delve into each other.
All that said, I believe successful marriages are more about maintaining consistent curiosity/interest levels in each other to help each other grow in the relationship and life, providing emotional security, understanding each others’ perspectives and just being there irrespective of each others’ shortcomings. If a man and a woman understand that all marriages have different phases for which they will need to undergo an exam to go to the next phase/level with a goal that they need to complete larger number of years together to remain successful their acceptance levels for each other will remain higher. After all no man or a woman would want to live alone, Adam and Eve were created so as to ensure that the world exists and retains it existence which is more dependent on these two human species, men and women. And I strongly believe that “more marriages might survive if the partners realized that better comes after the worse” And satisfaction does not come with achievement, but with effort to attain the set goals.
And even after making sincere efforts it fails I believe that is called nothing but destiny!
Thanks,
Neetu”
Roberta W.
Group Director at Teva Pharmaceuticals
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Good marriages are more sucessful than bad marriages, Steve. I think you have to be clear about what is your criteria for successful marriage. Less divorce doesn't necessarily equate to greater happiness, and may just reflect cultural differences in acceptance of divorce as others have said. In the US, where so much in our entire environment is disposable or changeable, divorce is not viewed in the same way as in other cultures, where a marital relationship may be seen as a permanent bond betweeen families.
Another issue that could afffect the definition of a "successful; marriage" is what the expectations of marriage are. If all you need to define a marriage as sucessful is production of children and food on the table 2x a day, it's alot less complex than requiring western ideals of personal growth and happiness, fulfilling sexual activity, shared responsibilities in the home and workplace.
My sense is that bad marriages involve a lack of respect for the other person, cheating or lying to them, dissimilar values, families that are divisive. I honestly don't see that these problems are more or less likely if a marriage is arranged or self-matched.
My husband and I have a successful marriage- it's not always perfect, we sometimes argue, but we have similar values, we trust each other, neither one of us would cheat on the other or lie about anything important (okay- I might not always tell him how much I paid for a pair of shoes) and we get along okay with most of our relatives on both sides and we laugh alot at the same things as well as at ourselves. I consider that my husband is a very good complement to me, I respect his opinions and he respects mine and I love him most of the time (let's be real, there are times when I am angry at him), but I would never want him out of my life.
I am sure that this is also true for good arranged marriages. My friends who have arranged marriages have said that two things that works in their favor is that their families have been behind the marriage from the beginning and that the couple have similar values.
Wow! This has turned into a very good question Steve, esp. after looking at the responses you have got!
I liked reading all the answers which I presume originated from different parts of the world.
Well, arranged or not, marriage has to be worked upon! A couple cannot relax anytime throughout the course of their lifetime (read it 'being together') and have to work towards making it a success.
I would thus say there are four pillars which support the marriage roof: Trust, Love, Respect and Compromise. A couple should always work towards these four pillars and I am sure many married people would agree to me on these counts.
The chances of 'workability' in the arranged format are more than the other just because of the obvious reason of Culture as pointed out by the others.
Cheers!
Rohit
Leonid L.
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Less divorce - yes. Comfort - possibly. Happiness - not sure. Love - very unlikely! If the cultures that practice arranged marriages were not so anti-liberal, anti-women, then they would have a much higher rate of divorces as well. USA is full of workaholics who sometimes value career more than family. High divorce rate is not surprising. I think USA is unique in that regard.
Shankar B.
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Steve,
My own experience of the world around me here in India is that arranged marriages do indeed work very well.
And, my reading on that is that it is because both partners go into it without too many preconvceived notions, knowing full well that they will have to adjust.
Keep well ~ Shankar
Hi Steve,
Your question is so interesting that within 12 mins of posting you have got 21 answers....
I am yet to get married but on the basis of my interaction with my friends/colleagues I can reach to a conclusion that there is no guarantee for any type of marriage. Its the responsibility of both partners to give extra to make that relationship successful.
Thanks,
Beena
Heidi T.
Editor at Wordsmith Pros
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The most successful marriages are the ones that both partners are committed to.
I don't think it matters who does the arranging.
Alvin H.
Account Director at Gartner
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One would assume that an arranged marriage means one lives in a society where expectations = reality. If I expect my child to be in an arranged marriage, I would expect them to be happy and thus therefore the child would feel a filial obligation to be happy and make it work.
In other societies (let's say the US) where people marry over blind love (and of course other very good reasons) this expectation is shattered over self-need and conflict.
Many countries a woman does not speak up to her husband. This is not true in the West mostly. So that, in itself, the perception and the role of which a spouse plays will matter greatly on the success of of a marriage. If you are in one of the societies where arranged marriages are still the norm, then you will be happy; as society stipulates so, as does family.
In the west, you live for yourself, and yourself only.
to each his own!
Sahar A.
Diversity& Inclusion|Leadership training|Social Media Marketing|Social Media Training|Public Speaker|Culture Competence
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Steve:
I come from a culture that embraces and practices arranged marriages or what they call "Salon Marriages:
It is a supressed community, custom where basically sometimes both the male and female parties don't have any sayings in the matter. They are like possessions to their parents who think they are doing the best for their children, even marrying first cousins is acceptable.
I personally come from a liberal family that don't believe or pratice that custom.
The rate of divorce might be lower but the rate of affairs and cheating is way higher, the concept of even having more than 1 wife is accepted or having a girl friend/ mistress if multiple marriages is not allowed in other cultures that practice arranged marriaged is accepted.
Also the rate of honor killings is worth checking as sometimes the females try to escape their faith by escaping and try to get married to whoever they really love.
If all that fails and the 2 parties get married by an arranged agreement, divorce is not really allowed either for cultural or religious reasons, also being divorced is a big shame in these cultures so they are stuck not because the marriage is happy but because they are prisonners of their customs and culture.
Some of the marriages end up being happy ones they grow to get used to each other, and love each other
I am lucky that my parents were married based on a love story so it was a good happy marriage
This subject is really a can of worms
Sahar Andrade
Sheilah E.
Owner, ★SME Management:.......... Business Management and Accounting Consultant
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I think a lot will depend on your own views of marriage. An American who is used to making their own choices may well end up divorced from an arranged marriage, yet someone who is used to the custom will not.
I have talked to a couple of members, two of which I have adopted as my sons, and both make very good arguments for arranged marriages - that is saying a lot coming from me since I used to believe it was an insane idea.
I think it comes down to customs, respect for the culture and a true understanding of the culture.
We miss you in HC....
Sheilah
Souri ..
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Less divorce has nothing to do with more happiness. Cutting the balderdash about culture, tradition etc., less divorce is a function of one or more of the following & at times in that order also:
1. Lack of confidence to be able to make one’s own decision;
2. Wilting under perceived peer pressure (all my friends & cousins are flaunting their honeymoon snaps) not for once thinking whether one is ready for it or not & getting into a bad marriage;
3. Ignorance about what marital happiness is all about & limiting it to the physical aspect & procreation;
4. Lack of financial independence to run one’s own family; & therefore
5. Fear of disinheritance;
6. Social stigma (even when the society doesn’t give a rat’s ass about one’s wellbeing);
7. Fear of incurring wrath of powerful in-laws;
8. Fear of losing the clout that came with being married to a influential family;
9. Alimony (in a male dominated society men can buy cheap thrills outside marriage for a small fraction of it).
Arranged marriage is like buying a raffle ticket. I would not even equate it with gamble which requires some amount of judgment of what to keep, what to throw, when to hold, when to fold, when to walk away & when to run.
Happiness is relative term when you start from the premise that you have to compromise, adjust, grin & bear.
As for tradition, infants wet their beds but they are toilet trained out of it. The lessons are all there in life itself.
Don't know. I'll ask my wife.
It's interesting. The idea of someone else deciding what your vocation should be, ie someone relegating a budding ballerina to the profession of brick layer (or vice versa) would be considered absurd. But yet people condone arranged marriages.
Is it conceivable that the alleged success of arranged marriages occurs in societies where divorce is viewed as heresy and can be met with excommunication?
Also, is longevity a valid measure of the success of a union? ie how happy are the kids and the couple? Sorry. This one's a no-brainer
Indira C.
Banking Professional
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In India for a long time arranged marriages are more successful...coz before the marriage all the pros and cons of its success are preaccounted by the family(boy side and girl side)....Quite a lot of research is done abut the boy and girl and their family backgrounds....plus the likes and dislikes of each of the eligibles...Moreso it has been a tradition to go for arranged marriages which has everyones APPROVAL and BLESSINGS....Hardly anyone dares to venture out...though in recent times....this all is changing due to the winds blowing otherwise....
Also these days due to not much tolerance and self dependence of the women here, the divorse rates are rising even in arranged marriages....
Clarification added June 20, 2009:
In arranged marriage everything is arranged...so less chances of anything really going wrong ...unless something went amiss by overlook.....
