Jason A.
Organize your job search, own your career! It's all about relationships! www.JibberJobber.com
How can a spouse support a job seeker?
Today I wrote a blog post that I've had on my mind for a while. There is a lot of support and advice for job seekers, but many times the spouse is left out of the loop. That is bad because there are deep feelings, assumptions, etc.
You can see the fantastic conversation on my blog post (http://ow.ly/VDsu), or read my 13 tips, but what I really want to know from you is this:
What should a spouse do to support a job seeker?
(feel free to comment in LinkedIn or on my blog - my preference is on my blog since more people will be able to see your comment: http://ow.ly/VDsu)
Answers (16)
Melanie M.
Sales Consultant at DMN Media/monster.com/Facebook
Best Answers in: Job Search (1), Health Care (1)
Jason, I enjoyed reading your blog post. You covered a lot of ground, but here's what I would add.
Your blog is written from a male primary breadwinner perspective, so first I will say that I'm female, but have been the primary breadwinner my entire marriage. 2 1/2 years ago, I asked my husband to stay home with the kids so I could stop stressing over transportation to/from school, doctors, activities, sick kid, etc. As it turns out, my husband is very happy in the role of SAHD and until I was laid off a year ago, it was going swell for me too.
The past year has been tough because all the rules are being challenged. Who should be looking for a job, me, him or both? Fact is, I will always have greater earning potential.
Today I had to give a presentation as part of the interview process. My husband was very supportive in making suggestions for visual examples of my recommendations, something I wouldn't have thought to do. The presentation went well and specifically I got commended for the visual supplements. I think it's important to note both that he isn't putting all the responsibility on me to get the job and I'm also open to his input in the process. That's my definition of teamwork.
He's also great at reminding me to use this time to have lunch with friends, make one on one time with my aging parents, and take care of myself (get an occasional massage for example).
It's important to not expect that a primary breadwinner spouse suddenly start taking on too many domestic chores after a termination (unless they want to). Anyone who's been in these shoes knows that looking for a job can be a full time job if you are going about it seriously.
Marc E.
Development, Insurance and Data Management Professional
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Jason,
I enjoyed your blog post, and would like to add one thing having been on both sides of a specific situation.
There are times when a person is the right person at the right place at the right time to deal with a complex issue (caregiving in both cases) that does not involve full time, long term employment. The spouse in this instance has to recognize that things do happen for a reason and be supportive as the person handles the task at hand.
I think one of the most important things a spouse can do for his/her unemployed partner is to recognize that finding the next job will require almost as much work as a full time job. The fact that the job seeker is at home now should not be confused with 'available to do (fill in the blank)', unless you talk through it ahead of time. Assumptions lead to disappointments and sometimes arguments. The smart approach is to communicate frequently about plans on both sides, and continue to divide the home duties and childcare as if you were both still working, with a bit more flexibility perhaps.
My wife and I have had a bit of a role reversal. I earned my MBA last May and have been unable to find a position. Our Daughter was born in July, and I am the stay at home dad, also caring for my wife's grandmother. Through all of this, my wife has done a number of things to help me.
Allowed me the opportunity to put the job search on hold to enjoy some time with our Daughter.
Taken on domestic chores so that I may have time to ramp up the job search, and also study for a certification examination.
We have regular discussions about how our short- and long-term goals may be changing as the search goes on. ie. geographic location.
Above all, there is an understanding of the difference between bringing home a paycheck, and providing value to our family. We are always aware of how life would be more difficult should we both be working.
Charlene N.
Senior Finance & Operations Leader -- Passionate about Profitability
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One of the hardest parts about being a spouse is to know when to ignore (the emotional outburts or short, curt answers which clearly say leave me alone) and when to comfort. My husband and I have both been through periods of loss. The roller coaster of emotions is the most difficult to deal with. Not too many of us are born with an excess of patience, nor are we born with a psychic ability to read minds. Yet these two gifts would certainly come in useful particularly at these times.
The best advice I can give is to continue to find time for just the two of you. Make time for a "date". Even if it is just a bottle of wine together after the kids go to bed, a walk around the block, a movie. It is vital that you keep some semblance of the concept of your coupleness grounded into your week.
I loved your blog but I agree with Melanie--I'm a female who was a job seeker for quite a long time. Not only that but I was an entry level job seeker--not the right match in this economy!
The best way to support a spouse in that situation is monetarily. As a job seeker, the biggest concerns are how to pay this bill and that bill. If a spouse or partner can take care of that...it takes away a lot of the stress of the job hunt. For example, my student loans were coming out of forbearance when I was seeking employment and the stress of the countdown (30 more days until I need to pay them or screw my credit) is unbearable.
The second thing is supporting in an emotional capacity. For those people actually trying, finding a job is a full time position. My fiance would leave for work and I would be up before him. I'd go through my list of sites, apply quickly for some jobs and then bookmark others, spend the day writing cover letters, cold call local locations, go out to new areas of the town to see if they were hiring, go back to the job boards and search, tweek my resume based on position and more! By the time I was done most nights, my fiance was back home again! His recognition of how hard I was working really made me feel more okay with my situation. So much of job hunting is wondering if you're doing enough; my fiance made me feel like I was going above and beyond the call of duty.
-Have a shared vision ......believe in your spouse's dreams
-More than monetary /materialistic help .......be the emotional support,job seekers are in need of it.
-Involve in meaningful conversations to explore and help understand one's career aspirations in life .
Mehnaz
Clarification added January 13, 2010:
by one's career aspiration,i meant spouse 's.
Kiley N.
Creative Marketing Strategist
Best Answers in: Customer Relationship Management (1), Lead Generation (1)
Great post Jason. I agree with all of your tips. The spouse is rarely the focus of “how-to-manage a job search” discussions–but I know, from personal experience, that the spouse is dramatically affected, and also has a significant impact on the outcome. In addition to everything you mentioned, I would add that both parties need to be realistic about any necessary lifestyle changes. Simply making humble adjustments, rather than complaining about them, goes a long way in fostering the positive atmosphere necessary for a job search to thrive.
Kristen F.
Sr. Recruiter, resume expert, former career advice columnist, aspiring novelist and networker *extraordinaire*
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Great points. I would like to add from the *other* side, what NOT to do: be a helicopter spouse. For many reasons, including legal, the person doing the job seeking should be the contact with recruiters. Not the spouse acting as a personal assistant. Recruiting professionals take a dim view of a candidate that doesn't make him/herself available for phone screens and discussions. Below is a relevant article outlining this phenomenon.
Links:
Michelle A.
Outstanding Collaborator achieving superior results/ Director of Clinical Operations or Director of Data Management
Best Answers in: Job Search (1), Mentoring (1), Career Management (1)
Loved all the points in your blog, Jason. And I can really identify with most of what you have gone through.
I find the one thing that starts my day off with pain and heartache is my husband (retired) asking each morning after I've been on my computer for a couple of hours: "Anything new?"
My reaction is to tie myself up in a knot and then explode. No matter how many times I tell him that I will report on all good leads, he continues to produce that question almost daily.
Perhaps we can suggest weekly sessions to discuss progress?
Maybe it goes along with getting counseling for one's spouse. But I think many spouses would not subscribe to that suggestion.
A baffling problem right now and I think I'm just going to have to live with this one. Because besides MY world falling down around me, HIS world has crumbled too, in many ways.
Anne Marie S.
National Training and Marketing Director at Abbey Residential Services, Inc.
Best Answers in: Labor Relations (1)
GREAT blog post, Jason! Both my husband and I have been there! :) I'm posting this on Facebook and Twitter, as this is a great read for everyone Unemployed out there!
Cristine C.
Coordinator Carolina Geriatric Education Center
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a quick thought, when the spouse has a glimmer of an opportunity do not jump on it in desperation and get too hyped up. A lot of our job inquiries go unanswered. Patience and telling him or her what a wonderful job they are doing looking for a job is key. tell them everyday!
I have been in that situation where I lost my job more than once, and it can be very demoralizing. One of the things that I found very helpful was knowing that my spouse believed in me as a person. No matter the reasons for losing your job, it almost always feels like personal rejection, and it is extremely hard not to question yourself at that time (I call it the "what could I have done different" syndrome). The spouse can encourage the job hunter to read his/her resume which reflects the positive things in his/her life.
Believing in you as a person.
